Sweet little Dylan - I love him. I'm so relieved he's home, getting back to his routine of running around on his own, playing with toys, and climbing on stuff. I keep thinking that I'm on the road to healing as well, but every time I close my eyes he's right there again, hurting. I'm in awe of how strong Emily and Brandon have been. With the business of my life and all of my daily distractions, I'm functioning out of necessity, but my throat just hurts with all of the lumps in it still. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and I just can't get past this guilt to move on to a happy place. I appreciate how many people have rallied around me and have given me other perspectives - - I truly do, and I don't want to discount those. I wish I could get there as well, but I just can't adopt the whole "no fault" mantra. Part of me wishes someone would have screamed at me, blamed me, and just made those detectives slap the cuffs on me. I realize that this sadness is coming from nowhere but within. Please don't feel the need to comment, the fact that I am writing all of this down makes me feel completely selfish too, and sympathy doesn't help anybody - - but I'm just trying to figure out a way to get it out.