Sweet little Dylan - I love him. I'm so relieved he's home, getting back to his routine of running around on his own, playing with toys, and climbing on stuff. I keep thinking that I'm on the road to healing as well, but every time I close my eyes he's right there again, hurting. I'm in awe of how strong Emily and Brandon have been. With the business of my life and all of my daily distractions, I'm functioning out of necessity, but my throat just hurts with all of the lumps in it still. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and I just can't get past this guilt to move on to a happy place. I appreciate how many people have rallied around me and have given me other perspectives - - I truly do, and I don't want to discount those. I wish I could get there as well, but I just can't adopt the whole "no fault" mantra. Part of me wishes someone would have screamed at me, blamed me, and just made those detectives slap the cuffs on me. I realize that this sadness is coming from nowhere but within. Please don't feel the need to comment, the fact that I am writing all of this down makes me feel completely selfish too, and sympathy doesn't help anybody - - but I'm just trying to figure out a way to get it out.


RandiSue said...

I am a lurker so I feel intrusive as it is but I just had to comment.
Joseph Smith gave a description in his account of the first vision "I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me...Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction." Then he adds "But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me...I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound."
I think Satan really enjoys inflicting pain on our emotions and we have to take control and give orders "get thee behind me, Satan".
Time will heal Dylan's wounds. Heavenly Father will heal your wounds too.

Stephens Family said...


As Dylan and I were taking our morning bike ride, we rode past your house and stopped by. You weren't home, but of course Dylan was excited and thought he was going to come inside to play!! He really loves you Shellie and we love you too. You are an amazing mom and a great friend. Things truly just happen for no reason at all. We are all stronger people for it. Please, if my words help at all, don't feel guilt. Don't continue to beat yourself up. As Dylan's favorite movie says (Meet the Robinsons) "Keep Moving Forward...let it go, let it roll right off your shoulders." I know that is always easier said than done, but we are fine! Dylan is fine! We are blessed by this accident and Dylan will be bugging you once again climbing all over your stairs.